i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
