I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
