I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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