I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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