But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
