it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
