There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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