I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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