Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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