glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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