She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
