gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
