If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
