i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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