Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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