I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
