we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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