Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
