I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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