my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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