At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
