Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
