I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
