Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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