Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
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