just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Randomize
