Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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