please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
