So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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