yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
