she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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