so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
