What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
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Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Houston, we have a blender
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
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IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Let's get the cat blown out
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.