I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
