Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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