I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
