new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
