I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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