Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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