listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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