Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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