There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
