I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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