Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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