I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
