Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You ate ashes out of my bong
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