I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I pour the whiskey from now on
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
