if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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