Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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