Just fell off a train. Bad.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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