So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
