I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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