I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
People in love make me want to vomit
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
