So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
not ubering you a puppy
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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