I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
