we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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